Feel free to peruse, but please don’t be upset by features that don’t work yet. We are working out the kinks so that the website will be ready for its formal launch on June 19th, 2014. If you tried to login today through social media, for example, it may not have worked. Mark and I were working together on getting a new login system set up and I had a midday fight with my Twitter registration.
And…well…today, June 9, is my son Jude’s birthday. He would have been five. It feels good to be working on this project on his birthday. And it feels terrible to be polishing up a grief support website when I wish I was making a cake and recycling wrapping paper. It’s the never-ending emotional push and pull of learning to live with grief. One moment I feel happy and productive in the life I lead now, particularly this project, which feels like one of the best things I’ve ever done. And the very next moment I’m thinking, “But I would never be here doing this if my son had lived!” What does it mean that the best thing came from the worst?
(Believers might explain this by saying that this is God’s plan for me. I personally think any God who could only make one of his creations do good things by putting her through the agony of losing a child wouldn’t be worth much. If you think about it for even a minute, you see the flaw in the logic there: Either he couldn’t do it without causing suffering, which would negate the “omnipotent” part of the definition of “god,” or he could, but didn’t. Which would make him either stupid or a sadist.)
Knowing that Jude’s death was a step on the path here doesn’t make his death any easier to bear. But knowing that this is the path I chose to take, hand in hand with my grief, makes my life today easier to accept. And all the love I got today from my family and friends and the Grief Beyond Belief community helps too.
Thanks for your patience with my grief digression, folks. Hope the site is worth the wait. In the meantime, check out the awesomeness of the Library.